The Bachelor 19, Episode 4 Recap: Don't Let the Tracker Jackers Get You

Welcome to week 4 of Prince Farming's search for his Queen of the Cornfield. This week, we reduce the flock down to 11. Yay! We might actually learn these women's names. Let's bachcap!

The Date That Makes You Want to Stab Your Eye with a Fork

Let's start with Camping Date #1. Ashley I., Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, Kelsey, Mackenzie, Megan, and Samantha (who?) are invited. This "let's get natural" date deeply offends Ashley I.'s fake hair and eyelashes. Mackenzie comments that most of the women "are not dressed natural on their face." Perhaps Mackenzie "cannot talk special with the mouth," but she has a point.

They go to a lake ("dingy pond") that fails to impress Kelsey, who calls it a stupid date made for "bimbos." In case it wasn't clear, she explains: "There are moments I feel like taking a fork and stabbing it in my eye." She's right, group dates are stoopid. But The Bachelor gods do not like this and they send forth a bee who stings her inner thigh. Suddenly, it's The Hunger Games: Bachelor Edition and Chris Harrison has figured out how to genetically engineer tracker jacker wasps.

Ashley I. makes an insightful comment that she is a "camping virgin" and also a "virgin camping." Touché, Ashley I. Her camping outfit is scandalous: tiny jean shorts, half-unzipped. And her eyelashes are longer than those of cows.

Camp festivities include jumping in the lake without a top (Ashley I.) or bottom (Kaitlyn). Chris explains on his blog on People.com that this was part of a truth or dare game, which gives these actions a little more context. There is no explaining why he is fully clothed while assembling tents while the women remain steadfastly in bikinis. Tent building = do it with clothes.

Things devolve as whiskey is imbibed. Ashley S. sings "tatateetah" and falls/dances. Mackenzie talks about aliens. Chris sneaks up with a mask and an axe. Kaitlyn is the official Bachelor commentator and she's hilarious. Loved her ghost story about Ashley S.

The real story: Ashley S. takes Chris aside. No one knows if her behaviour is her regular personality, alcohol-induced or performance art. Maybe they just paid her to act like this. Ashley S. is saying all sorts of wacky things and Chris is humouring her. Until she says that she loves him (eek!) and she "hopes it resonates in your miiiiiind." Here's a horror movie plot pitch: Playing Ghosts in the Graveyard with Ashley I. in Chris's cornfield. There would be blood, my pretties.

We could ask you the same question, Ashley.

Kaitlyn gets the rose because she has the strong, fun personality that Chris likes. They may not be well-matched because Chris is touchy-feely and Kaitlyn likes verbal reassurance.

Everyone hits the sleeping bags, except for Ashley I. She sneaks into Chris's tent to tell him that she's a virgin. We learn that she had a unibrow and lunch box in middle school. But who didn't, right? Chris can't interpret the euphemism "inexperienced" because he's half-asleep and whiskified. Then Ashley I. attacks his face like a chimpanzee eating a ripe mango.

Cross Pollination of Gender Stereotype Propaganda

Back at the mansion, Chris's evil step-sisters (oops I mean non-smiler sisters) arrive to meet the women (why only those half?) to decide who goes on a Cinderella date. They interview Britt, Jillian, Carly, Jade, Whitney, and Nikki. We know that Jade wins when she gets the sentimental music during her sister-interview.

The date involves being prepped by a pink-haired stylist named Noddy who looks like Effie from District 12 (The Hunger Games again).

May the odds be ever in your favour, Jade

"You're no Katniss but we will do our best"

Jade wears a gown and she gets to keep the diamond earrings and the (Louboutin?) shoes. Score! Ashley I. is insanely jealous because she feels very naturally princess-y.

The date's a snoozer and involves Chris and Jade being forced to watch scenes from the upcoming Cinderella (2015) film. This movie is for 12 and under (chronological or emotional age). Although cousin Rose from Downton Abbey is Cinderella so yup, I'll watch it when it comes out on Netflix.

The Bachelor franchise and Disney's Cinderella are BFFs because they both promote the outdated notion of: The rich prince saves the poor pretty girl. Hasn't Lady Di taught us anything? Cinderella should get a profession and earn her own cash. I keep thinking about Destiny's Child ("All the women, independent, throw your hands up at me!"). It's not the 1950s anymore, people.

We learn that both Jade and Chris had failed engagements at young ages. The date ends with Jade and Chris waltzing on a platform as an orchestra plays on. The musicians smirked all the way home that night.

This week's subtle product placement

Who Wins: Toirtoses or the Hairy Hare?

The second group date is really terrible. Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca wear wedding dresses to compete in a MuckFest obstacle course in San Francisco. The only good thing: this somehow benefits a multiple sclerosis charity. Jillian and her arm-guns take an early lead and win easily. Everyone else (contestants & Chris) don't bother trying. Chris is all: I stayed back to help the ladies. Riiiiiggght. 

Jillian and Chris go for romantic dinner but it's a royal fail. She's dominating the conversation and Chris can only think of "unicorns and dancing fairies." She talks too fast and Chris doesn't have a fast processor. Corn, it don't move too quick. A low point is when Jillian asks Chris to answer a very crude hypothetical "would you rather" scenario involving a homeless women. Just, no. Chris sends Jillian and her black box a-packin'.

Jillian still has her true love, her own biceps

Dignity did not RSVP to the Cocktail Party

Cocktail party lowlights:

Megan blindfolds Chris and has him eat fruit with fondue. He has to guess the fruit. She will excite his 3 senses: "taste, smell, and I don't know." Chris asks what the game is called. She names it: "You Have to Pick Which of the Five Senses it is." Megan also named her cat "You Have to Clean its Litter on Tuesdays." (She's not the best with naming).

Ashley I. decides to tell Chris straight out that she's a virgin. She does, Chris is understanding, and she's crying because he didn't kiss her. Carly quips: "her mouth is not a virgin." Becca casually reveals to the group that she's a virgin too. Becca has the better approach: she's not insecure about this, calls it a life decision, and owns it.

Ashley I. does look a bit Disney princess-like

Britt (who is probably often the centre of attention in real life) is jealous of Kaitlyn and confronts Chris, asking why he's favouring the wrong type of women.

Confronting Chris is NOT the way to his heart

The "Why do you condone bad behaviour" move is risky and, predictably, fails. The Bachelor has special rights and these include: dating 14 people at a time, immunity from any and all criticism, and free passes for fantasy suite nights. If you don't like it, do Internet dating like the common folk. Chris later snaps at the group saying that they can leave if they question his intentions. Yikes!

Already have roses: 

Kailyn - Hilarious commentator from the North
Jade - Got to keep the earrings

More roses for:

Whitney - Frontrunner and helium balloon inhaler
Carly - Beth from The Walking Dead
Megan - Can name only 2 of the 5 senses
Samantha - Never heard of her, going home soon
Mackenzie - Alien conspiracy theorist and Mother of Kale
Kelsey - Tracker jacker victim
Becca - Owns it (V#2)
Ashley I. - Doesn't own it (V#1)
Britt - How dare ye challenge Prince Farming. Off with your head! But first, remove those weird earrings.

In the Limos of Shame:

Nikki - We know not of you, stranger
Juelia - Leaving with dignity and grace but she still has a sad story - hopefully will find love outside this show
Ashley S. - Her last words: "I feel nothing. I have no feelings. (Makes owl sounds)." Please, please producers, put Ashley S. on the hot seat for Women Tell All! I want to see if she's like this all the time.

Coming up Next!

They go to Santa Fe. Carly makes some moves. Kelsey is hated and then needs the paramedics. Seems promising!

This kitty's excited for next week's episode!

The Bachelor 19, Week 3 Recap: Jimmy Kimmel Takes Over (AKA The Funniest Episode Ever)

Welcome to your week 3 recap of Chris Soules and his milkmaids. Late night TV's Jimmy Kimmel takes over Chris Harrison's job this week and the results are hilarious! The Bachelor is better at laughing at itself this season. They want to be in on the joke, too, and it's AMAZING. Let's bachcap!

Jimmy Kimmel is in Your Bedroom

Jimmy Kimmel, decked out in a suit, wakes up a shocked Chris. They meet up with Chris's "sister wives" (Jimmy's term) where he presents the Amazing Jar. Whoever says the word "amazing" must put a dollar in the jar. Everyone is cracking up, but is secretly wondering do they have to deck out actual cash to be one of the drones on this show?

Costco in a Crop Top

First date card promises: Exclusive Club! Hors d'oeuvres! High Ceilings! Views! Kaitlyn and Chris head to the date in a limo and arrive at...Costco? Finally, a real life relationship situation makes it onto the show. Except not everyone wears a crop top to go warehouse shopping.

I've always wondered who buys those ginormous tubs of mayo

I had the fleeting thought that this was a metaphor for the show, like Chris has been shopping for girlfriends in bulk. But maybe that's overthinking it. The happy couple is sent shopping for goodies to make a dinner for Jimmy. Kaitlyn and Chris arrive back at a loft of some sort and start cooking which looks a bit like emptying tubs of pre-made stuff into bowls. By the time Jimmy arrives, much bourbon has been had. Kaitlyn and Chris giggle a lot together, it's pretty cute. But her red lipstick is everywhere on both their faces.

Jimmy Kimmel arrives and asks all the tough questions while the Costco steak is served. Kaitlyn is forced to answer that sure, she won't be mad if she wins the final rose after Chris, um, explored his options on the fantasy suite dates. We also learn that Canadian Kaitlyn has dated a "legit" farmer who had cows. Burn on you, Chris! 6,000 acres means nothing without farm animals. Kaitlyn is using the "Old MacDonald has a Farm" nursery rhyme as her reference material for farming. "And on his farm he had a...corn?" Nope. No line like this.

Don't dis my corn, lady

Jimmy specializes in making people uncomfortable and this is great fun for us viewers. Chris and Kaitlyn can't stop laughing, so it's not so bad. They all trade insults. Chris thinks Kaitlyn has humour and depth and it's one point for team Canada!

Like Jimmy, us viewers are eating chicken wings staring at people making out in hot tubs

Becoming a Farmer's Wife 101

The second date card offers a chance to meet some "party animals." I won't bother listing the 12 people on this date because most get zero airtime. Chris and the women arrive at a petting zoo of sorts where the women are told they must participate in a farm themed race. They must shuck corn, get an egg from a chicken pen, crack the egg in a frying pan, milk a goat, drink the goat milk, shovel manure, and catch a greased piglet. You know, a normal day at the farm! The goat milk part is so gag-worthy. Imagine drinking a glass of warm liquid feta cheese. Uggggggh.

Muscle Man Jillian is pumped. She wants to WIN. But what is going on with her bottom? She has a permanent black square affixed to her lower half. Her shorts must be seriously indecent. Despite her drive, Carly the cutsie cruise ship singer wins. She reminds me of Beth from The Walking Dead (AMC's zombie show). Her prize: a blue ribbon and taking this picture:

Fact: the painter of American Gothic was depicting a farmer and his daughter, not his wife!

The end of this group date has less manure and more saliva. Chris decides to follow Jimmy's advice and kiss all of the ladies. Would you rather drink the goat milk or kiss a guy who has just kissed 6 other women? Tough one, eh?

Mackenzie (Mother of Kale) confronts Chris on this. He's defensive because, ya, it's gross to kiss everyone, but he's The Bachelor so it's okay and BACK OFF. Chris doesn't appreciate being forced to consider reality. Mackenzie's not going to last long on this show. Becca (previously ignored blond chiropractic assistant) takes the high road and has a respectful convo with Chris on the roof. She says she wants to wait to kiss him. Because she doesn't want to catch anything viral lingering on his lips. But she says it's in the spirit of "taking it slow." For this power move, she earns the group date rose.

The Wedding Crashers

The next one-on-one date goes to Whitney, the fertility nurse who inhales helium. "My word, I'm so excited," she squeaks. As they hang out at a winery, Chris finally reveals what he's looking for in a woman. He's deeply attracted to women who can make random conversation with strangers in airports. These are his exact words. Chris would have loved my Grandma Rhoda!

They talk a bit and he manages to eat a bit of her hair that got into the food. He doesn't spit it out so he must really want to impress her. He likes how Whitney can "roll the cob" which is farm-speak for having a good, unhurried chat but sounds like something else entirely. They notice that a wedding is going on nearby and Whitney convinces Chris that they should crash it. Chris Harrison (on his own blog) insists this was NOT a producer idea. Okay, we'll go with it. With the battle cry of YOLO (you only live once) they are off to change into wedding guest attire.

Upon arriving at the random wedding, Chris cannot remember how to speak and he is about to blow their cover to the guests. Whitney is much smoother and saves the day. Chris and Whitney dance and have a great 'ol time as wedding crashers. She is sad that she doesn't catch the bouquet, lowering her "bouquet stats" to 8 out of 11. Whoa on those stats, Whitney.

Whitney has an Excel spreadsheet for her Bouquet Stats

At the end of the night, Chris seems smitten with Whitney who rolls the cob like a pro! Slowly, we are learning that Chris wants someone to take the lead in social situations. He needs his wife to smooth over the awkwardness. He says that he can absolutely imagine Whitney as his wife. Chris likes everyone so much, it's hard to figure out who's going to win his heart. But in this moment, she seems like she'll be top 3 for sure.

A Swimming Pool of Drama

Instead of a cocktail party there's a pool party instead. Chris and Jimmy prepare by co-showering.

I would bet the farm that they're wearing bathing suits

Here are your pool party highlights:

-Britt needs constant physical contact and always holds hands with a friend. She gets bored when Chris talks and interrupts by kissing while he's still talking. She's losing points this week.

-Ashley I. (eyelashes) is really upset that she can't do her "Kardashian" look at a cocktail party. She makes up for it by wearing audacious hair jewelry.

-Juelia reveals the story of the loss of her husband which is so sad. Chris offers all the right platitudes. No way he can send her home this week after this reveal.

-Jade initiates a tour of Chris's room while in her bathing suit and super high heels. They end up kissing on the bed. Outside, Black Box Jillian waits in Chris's personal hot tub to steal him away. She kisses him when she gets her alone time, but Chris seems unenthusiastic. Mackenzie, Ashley I., and Megan try to hang out too, but are rebuffed. Jillian's body language says: "Touch him and die."

-Chris and Ashley I. hang out later and she does this laugh-cry thing which is very confusing. Ashley I. is still very upset that Jillian did not allow her time in the hot tub. Chris doesn't know what to say. So, Ashley coils herself around Chris, aggressively kissing him like an anaconda eating an antelope.

Don't Be Yourself

At the rose ceremony, Jimmy gives Chris some excellent advice: "Whatever you do, don't be yourself, be someone who gives better speeches." It's funny because it's true. Chris really does have the worst, rambling speeches. This is why he so admires those who can roll the cob better than he can.

Already have roses:
Kaitlyn: Canadian Costco Crop Top Queen
Becca: Saving her kisses for Week 4
Whitney: Frontrunner, wedding crasher, helium addict

Roses go to:
Jade: Bold Move Award for Week 3 - The private tour of Chris's room got her noticed
Samantha: She has dark hair, otherwise remains unknown
Juelia: Her story is so sad
Mackenzie: Mother of Kale won't last much longer
Kelsey: The only woman with shorter hair
Britt: She made a great first impression, but she's losing steam
Megan: No momentum since her date at the Grand Canyon
Carly: Tougher than she looks! Has good strategy for wrangling pigs - Wait until they come to you!
Ashley S.: Acted strangely during the zombie date - edited out of this week entirely (why??)
Nikki: Another dark-haired contestant with no airtime
Jillian: She will hurt you + her shorts are not safe for TV
Ashley I.: Kardashian wannabe

No roses for:
Trina, Amber, and Tracy. We know pretty much nothing about Trina and Tracy, except that Chris doesn't really like them that much. Amber tried, but alas, no chemistry with Chris and she doesn't meet his criteria of being able to smooth over social situations. Maybe her work as a bartender does not allow her to meet the most marriage-worthy guys. My dating advice to Amber: specifically seek out dudes with really boring professions (IT guy, accountant) so she can be pursued as the more exciting one in the relationship.

Jimmy's also crying in the limo. He confirms that a Bachelor "week" is only 4 days (he says of Chris: "but we spent 4 days together!"). He should be promoted to a season regular.

COMING UP NEXT

What, there are two virgins in the house? We know from Chris Harrison's hints on the red carpet (Week 1) that one virgin gets to the fantasy suite. Ashley I.'s stock is falling, so it has to be the other virgin. Juelia and Mackenzie are ruled out (have kids). It cannot be Kelsey (was married), Britt (free hugs) or Jillian (black box). Kaitlyn (dirty jokes) is also unlikely. I'm guessing it's one of these: Megan, Carly, Whitney, or Becca.

This goat is Jimmy Kimmel's #1 fan

See you next week!

The Bachelor Season 19, Week 2 Recap: The Bachelor Zombie Apocalypse

Before we bachcap, big news this past week: Andi and Josh (from the last Bachelorette season) have broken up. They got along well when life was full of helicopters and private beaches, but the verdict is: Incompatible in Real Life. Cody and Michelle (Bachelor in Paradise) split in December (click here for more info).

As we know per Bachelor stats: Most Bachelor couples break up within a year. But that won't happen to Farmer Chris! Let's live in la-la-land for now because it's funner there. Let's bachcap!

New Yoga Pose: "The Pleading Lady"

This week starts where last week left off. Kimberly Yoga Teacher, who was not given a rose, begs to stay. Begging is a bad way to start a relationship. Chris seems tired and gives in.

The Boy Next Door

This season, Chris lives near the women's mansion (the Bachelor pad). Host Chris Harrison tempts the women to "find" time to interact with him because there are NO RULES. Except, contestants are not allowed to watch television, read or listen to music, so they can better develop their Chris obsession. Who cares about books, though, when house invasion rules have been lifted! (I'm being sarcastic as I am very against rules that prohibit READING).

Fun Fact: Tractors are Not Meant for Racing

First group date goes to: Tandra (arrived on motorcycle), Ashley I. (fake eyelashes), Mackenzie (Mother of Kale), Kimberly (yoga), and Tara (friends with Jameson and Jack Daniels). Chris is wearing a hoodie with a too-low zipper. No shirt under. Pull up that zipper! Your corn is embarrassed for you.

Not the Iowa look we expected

There's a pool party and Chris has a weird idea to re-introduce himself to Kimberly so they can make a fresh start. She loves it but it's soooo awkward. Like the worst improv scene ever. "Oh hello, nice to meet you stranger" (cringe).

The women are then led by Chris in their bikinis on the streets of LA to: a bikini tractor race! An activity that is equally demeaning and boring. The women "race" à la snail on the tractors and Ashley Eyelashes wins! She gets a little time with Chris and he seems okay with her.

This is 2015 - let's rejoice in how far women have come!

Chris cuts the group date short to have one-on-one time with Mackenzie the Kale Mama. All the other women are sad :( Chris and Mackenzie go to a bar which may be her first because she's 21 and hasn't been out in a year. Here's more about Mackenzie:

-Her man must have a "prominent nose"
-Believes in aliens
-Notices "weird stuff" including Chris's ear piercing hole
-Tells boring stories about her child. For example, all kids make an excited face when excited. This is not a story to tell a date. How she decided on Kale as a name? Now that would be a better story!

Mackenzie gets a rose because Chris can't kick her out post-Kale reveal. I don't see the chemistry but they dance and kiss a bit.

Back at the Mansion

Huge reveal: Juelia is a mom to a daughter named Ireland (slightly better name than Kale). She's also a widow after her husband tragically took his own life. The other women support her, but she's understandably scared to share this with Chris because she'll start to cry.

On a lighter note, Jillian (with the biceps) and Megan (make-up artist) sneak into Chris's place because Chris Harrison wants them to. Jillian's bathing suit is blacked out. What's going on under the bathing suit? Later this episode, Jordan says that Jillian is hairy but maybe that was just a steroid joke. Are they really censoring the hair? Megan wears Chris's motorcycle helmet and repeatedly bangs her head into the wall as a product safety test. Her previous job was as a crash test dummy. Um, why is a motorcycle parked inside the bedroom?

Back in the living room, Mackenzie TMIs her date with Chris to all the women and does not notice that NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THE GLOATING. It's like the boring kid stories but worse. We'd all rather hear about how she ended up single with a 1-year old by age 21. Tell the better stories, Mackenzie!

Megan Learns about the Bachelor

The first one-on-one date, surprisingly, goes to make-up artist Megan. Ironically, the make-up artist has pretty bad make-up - it's probably hard to calibrate how much is too much for TV. Megan's boss nominated her for the show and she seems a bit oblivious to its workings. She thought the date card ("Love is a natural wonder") was a love note.

Megan gets a 5-star date with Chris: plane to Las Vegas, scenic helicopter ride, and picnic in Grand Canyon. Although the picnic food wasn't stellar (cantaloupe in plastic container). More tragedy: Megan's dad passed away right after she was accepted for the show. Chris seems rather smitten with unassuming and sweet Megan. He gives a clumsy compliment that she has the "most beautiful blue eyes in North America." He loves her "giant heart" and can see a "future" with her. Unexpected top 5 contender!

Megan's one to watch!

Zombie Apocalypse Group Date

Thanks to whomever came up with the idea for a zombie apocalypse date. Love it! The Walking Dead meets The Bachelor is my two favourite shows happening at once. On this date we have: Kelsey (nice widow who maybe didn't appreciate the "To Death Do Us Part" date card), Trina (resident cougar), Alissa (flight attendant), Tracy (teacher, not yet cat lady), Jillian (biceps), Becca (blonde), Amber (shy bartender), Ashley S. (the kooky/scary one), Juelia (widow mom), Kaitlyn (jokey), and Britt (Angelina Jolie).

The limos arrive in a dark and deserted lot. Suddenly, zombies attack the limos! Everyone is screaming and freaking out. Chris arrives and announces: It's Zombie Paintball! As the women prepare to shoot the zombies, everyone is scared that Ashley S. doesn't understand the concept. She seems ready to shoot the people instead. Kaitlyn observes that Ashley S. shouldn't even be be armed with a "wet noodle." I would tend to agree. Ashley S. seems on another planet and is saying very odd, out of context things. I'm getting more concerned than amused. She's all: "You don't want to lose the whole world" and Chris is just smiling like it's normal conversation. We will add "good at humouring people" to Chris's list of attributes. But c'mon, let's get this woman some help please!

A weapon in the wrong hands

At the après-zombie party, Britt turns on the charm. She's an aspiring actress, for sure. Chris gives her a "free kiss" note to reciprocate her "free hug" note and they kiss. To Britt's great dismay, Kaitlyn (who is Canadian and lived in Germany for a boyfriend) gets the date rose because Chris likes genuine and funny. Go Canada! I think Sharleen from Juan Pablo's season was also a Canadian who lived in Germany. They are both irreverent and not the typical contestants.

Back at the mansion, Jordan (student) is having her own personal sorority frosh party and twerks while doing a handstand. She almost but not quite cracks her head open on bathroom tiles.

The Cocktail Party, AKA, "Please Keep Me!" Time with Chris

At the cocktail party, Whitney (fertility nurse with voice like Bernadette from Big Bang Theory) gives Chris a bottle of whiskey. Ashley I. (eyelashes) reveals to Mackenzie that she never had a boyfriend and is a virgin and Mackenzie is super-jealous. As maybe she should be, as Chris Harrison alluded to a virgin being in the fantasy suite later in the season. But then again, think about your first relationship and if you'd want it to be televised. There are many reasons NOT to be jealous of Ashley I.

Ashley I. dresses like a genie and lets Chris make a wish on her belly-button ring. He wishes for a kiss and she goes for it full throttle, like a Saint-Bernard eating a meatloaf. Amber also gets a kiss. Jordan has hit the bottle too much and attempts a kiss but is rebuffed because consent is not possible at that level of inebriation and Chris knows it. Also, eww.

Your first wish should always be to wish for a million more wishes

Chris has some great qualities, and I like him even more this week! He's great at dealing with people who are very drunk and acting strangely - smile and nod, and laugh with them, not at them. He also likes genuine and funny women. He's not too smooth with the compliments, but that's better than a player. The women often seem to have the upper hand. Chris will let them push him around a bit, but he'll make a stand if they go too far. And he's so cute (but do up the zipper next time). Chris, you seem like such a good guy! Don't prove me wrong, please.

There are still too many women here- 18 survive the apocalypse! My top picks are below. Roses go to:
Britt - Used to getting her man - Top pick!
Ashley I. - Two wishes left on her bellybutton - Top pick!
Trina - Cougar with no air time
Kelsey - Nice widow - Top pick!
Samantha - Dark hair, no airtime
Juelia - Widowed mom of Ireland
Amber - Shy bartender
Tracy - Teacher-not-cat-lady
Jillian - Biceps
Jade - Cosmetics developer - Dark Horse Award - there may be potential!
Nikki - Former cheerleader
Becca - Assists chiropractors
Carly - Cruise ship singer
Whitney - Fertility nurse with Bernadette voice
Ashley S. - Kooky/scary, and WHY DID SHE GET A ROSE AGAIN? I think the producers are allowed one rose for the first 5 episodes and this is how some people stay on.

Already had roses: Megan (make-up artist) - Top pick!; Mackenzie (made her own Kale); and Kaitlyn (funny Canadian) - Top pick!

Alissa, Kimberly, Jordan, Tandra, and Tara are sent packing.

My Predictions for the Rejected: 

Alissa: Takes a one-way ticket on Bachelor Air to nowheresville. But meets a cute pilot and lives happily ever after in the open skies.

Kimberly: Drowns her sorrow in intensive yoga and meditation. Becomes a buddhist monk.

Jordan: The partying and twerking continue back at the sorority. May not pass her classes next semester. Parents take away her credit card.

Tandra: Marries an executive.

Tara: Someone teaches her math and she realizes that there was a 29/30 chance of rejection on this show so she can't take it to heart. She gets herself and her Daisy Dukes to eharmony.com and is much more successful with dating. Although first, she must unfriend Jameson and Jack Daniel on Facebook. They are not helping her prospects.

COMING UP NEXT:

Jimmy Kimmel wakes up Chris and causes trouble! Can't wait. Loving the cross-pollination of the shows! 

If you want to fall in love with Chris a little bit more read his blog here!

See you next week.

There are too many women on this show, but there can never be too many kittens!

The Bachelor Season 19, Week 1 Recap: Farmer Chris and His Harem of 30

Welcome to Season 19 of the Bachelor! On tap we have Farmer Chris (AKA Prince Farming) and his harem of 30. Let's recap!

Oh No, a Whole Hour of Red Carpet

Help. No one wants THIS much of the Bachelor. Three hours = too long. Chris Harrison is manning the red carpet. He's thrilled to have "a virgin and two widows" on this season, because who doesn't love secret virgins and widows!

Don't Mind Uncle Iowa

First, let's meet this season's Bachelor. Chris Soules is a 4th generation farmer with 6,000 acres. This is like measuring wealth in ducats or ancient gold coins. No clue how much this is worth, but probably a lot.

There is lots of fancy cinematography showing how sexy a farm can be. Bachelorette Andi treated Iowa like it was Chris's deranged uncle who lived in his basement - i.e., the relationship deal-breaker. "You're such a great guy, Chris. But, what about Uncle Iowa? I can't really live with Uncle Iowa." This season, they've dressed up Uncle Iowa to make him seem less like a liability. We get lots of glam farm shots: Stunning fields! Huge tractor that looks like a Transformer! Chris in a sexy silo! Uncle Iowa's not looking so bad anymore. Except when you realize that you are trapped there with only in-laws to talk to for eternity. Plus those 6 dudes in the local bar.

There is a Cody growing in Iowa!

Back to the Red Carpet

Chris Harrison has turned into an annoying great-aunt who has nosy questions for everyone and doesn't get when you don't want to talk about it. He really badgers Sean and Catherine about having kids. I would have rather he asked where Catherine found the weird umbrella-cape she was wearing.

Other highlights: Lacey and Marcus (Bachelor in Paradise) look somber and awkward, but they're moving ahead with a wedding. Previous Bachelorette Andi performs mind control on her fiancé Josh by rubbing his back obsessively and talking for him. Nikki (who just broke it off with Bachelor Juan Pablo) gets the "Tell us how Juan Pablo is TERRIBLE" interview. Nikki explains the break up was over "differences" in lifestyles and priorities. Chris H. can't get dirt out of anyone. But, he almost made Nikki cry so he gets paid a bonus $10K.

The First Fifteen (With Their Rose Status)

Chris prepares for the limos by going to LA, getting his wardrobe prepped, and taking an outdoor shower. Fun!

Dateable! 

He looks pretty great but he is visibly nervous for the limos. Here they come! Your first fifteen are:

Britt - Waitress and intense hugger. Looks like a hybrid of Angelina Jolie and a Bratz doll. This show loves her - she gets the first intro video in her hometown and she's first out of the first limo. Later, she gets the first impression rose and the only kiss of the night. She's already won. Pros: Charisma. Cons: Holds up "Free Hugs" sign in LA and hugs strangers intensely. Creepy, right? Also, Michelle Money heard a rumour that she doesn't shower. Rose!

Whitney - Fertility nurse from Chicago. Pros: Helps people have babies. Cons: Asks her tiny white dog, "Could Chris be your daddy?!?" That dog would be torn to pieces by coyotes in Iowa. Rose!

Kelsey - Guidance counsellor and widow from Austin. Pros: Seems kind and normal, open to having more than one "soulmate". Cons: Not flashy so may not stand out. Rose!

Megan - Make-up artist. Pros: Will be popular à la Michelle Money by helping others with their make-up. Cons: Little demand for a make-up artist on the farm. Rose!

Ashley I. - Freelance journalist. Pros: Chris calls her "beautiful". Cons: Nothing newsworthy happens on a farm: "Breaking News: Corn Still Growing." Rose!

Trina - Special education teacher. Pros: that's a nice job! Cons: She's 33 and thus considered a cougar by Bachelor standards. Rose!

Reegan - Donated tissue specialist (sells organs). Pros: Brings a cooler to the party. Cons: The cooler holds a HUMAN HEART. It's a fake heart, but ewww anyway. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Tara - Sports fishing enthusiast (i.e., no job). Pros: Impresses Chris by wearing Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots. Brought two outfits and changes into a black dress and re-introduces herself to Chris by sneaking back into the limo. Cons: Best friends with Jameson and Jack Daniel. Seemed like she was going to vomit, pee, and/or pass out during the rose ceremony. Chris had to take a time out to consider whether he wanted to give a rose to a highly inebriated contestant. Rose! (What, really? We shall dub it a Whiskey Rose)

Amber - Bartender. Pros: Seems nice, quiet. Cons: Carries a teddy bear around. Rose!

Nikki - Former cheerleader. Pros: Cheery. Cons: Won't reveal her current job. Rose!

Amanda - Ballet teacher. Pros: Tries to hypnotize Chris with huge eyes and non-blinking stare. Cons: Her pupils were so dilated, she should get checked by a neurologist. Didn't let Chris see her as she exited the limo, but this "secret admirer" ploy fails. Also, dressed like a belly-dancer. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Jillian - News producer. Pros: Driven, competitive, muscular. Cons: Keeps flexing. Rose!

Mackenzie - Dental assistant. Pros: Youthful. This season's Cassandra. Cons: Maybe too young for Chris at age 21 (Chris is 33). And she named her son Kale, like the leafy green. Tries to do kindergarten painting activity with Chris at a cocktail party - needs more cocktail party experience. Tells Chris she doesn't know what "alfalfa" is. Gosh, this girl needs to live a little before being on this show. Rose!

Ashley S. - Hair stylist. Pros: Lucky at finding pennies. Cons: Where to start? Puts penny in Chris's shoe. Intense interaction style. Becomes obsessed with a pomegranate that she sees in the yard and Must. Pick. It. Now!!!! Says axe-murdery things, like "Every person is like an onion." Asks Chris if he's "dying inside." Rose!

Murderous midnight pomegranate picking

Kaitlynn - Dance instructor. Pros: Comic relief, tells risqué jokes. Teaches Chris to breakdance. Cons: Would shock Iowa with her talk of plowing and fields and other stuff that needed to get bleeped out. I think Chris blushed. Rose!

Chris Wishes He Were a Polygamist - The Next 15

Chris is overwhelmed by the beauty of the contestants and wishes he can marry ALL THE LADIES. He goes inside and spends time with the first 15. He looks adorable and wide-eyed, and lets the women babble away and talk right over him during one-on-one time.

Chris Harrison takes us back to the "live" viewing party where we are introduced to 6 Iowan "farmer's wives" - he can't just call them "farmers" for some reason. The Iowan Farmer Wives like choppy short hair, heavily highlighted.

Marcus and Lacey weren't paid enough to sit through this screening

Back to the party and 15 (!) more women. Here goes.

Samantha - Fashion designer. Pros: fashionable. Cons: Wouldn't be caught dead in Iowa. Rose!

Michelle - Wedding cake decorator. Pros: gets 10% off cakes. Cons: Chris hates cake. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Juelia - Esthetician. Pros: well-groomed. Cons: Why does she spell her name like that? Rose!

Becca - Chiropractic assistant. Pros: Chris checks her out, seems to really like her. Cons: She'll probably give him an adjustment sometime this season. Rose!

Tandra - Executive assistant. Pros: Arrives on a motorcycle. Chris also drives a motorcycle! Cons: Tandra isn't a real name. Rose!

Alissa - Flight attendant. Pros: Free flights for her future husband. Cons: Maybe too cute. Wraps a seat-belt around Chris, pretends to be on Bachelor Air. We get it. You are on the planes. Rose!

Jordan - Student. Pros: Chris likes that she does whiskey shots with him right out of the limo. Cons: Her sorority doesn't have a chapter in Iowa. Rose!

Nicole - Real estate agent. Pros: Bubbly. Cons: Wears a pig nose to "ham it up." NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Brittany - WWE diva in training. Pros: Can protect Chris from the Paparazzi. Cons: Wears lingerie to the cocktail party and holds up a poster that says #Soulmates. Also, seems to have pink eye. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Carly - Cruise ship singer. Pros: Free cruises for her future husband. Cons: Carries a "Barbie's First Karaoke Machine" and sings a too-cutesy song. Wears children's dress from the 1950s. Rose!

Tracy - Teacher. Pros: Brings Chris a genuinely funny letter from a student: "Dear Farmer, please like my teacher so she doesn't end up lonely with a lot of cats." Cons: Chris doesn't get the cat-lady reference. Rose!

Bo - Plus-sized model. Pros: Brings much-needed body diversity to the show, seems normal and nice. Cons: The Bachelor's motto: The nail that sticks out gets hammered. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Kimberly - Yoga instructor. Pros: I'd like to see Chris do yoga. Cons: Chris hates yoga. NO ROSE FOR YOU. But wait, Kimberly rejects the rejection and re-enters the party as Chris is talking to the winners. Awkward! And a cliffhanger for next week. 

Kara - Soccer coach. Pros: Sporty. Cons: Soccer makes us think about Juan Pablo. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Jade - Cosmetics developer. Pros: Has well-stocked make-up bag. Cons: There's a rumour that she tests lipstick on bunnies. Rose!

The extra time for the first 15 seemed to help. More women from second batch get the boot.

COMING UP NEXT

Next week we find out if Chris had good judgement in keeping a bunch of heavy drinkers on the show. His family said they want a wine drinker, so maybe he's just trying to please them. We also find out how he deals with Boomerang Kimberly.

The season seems full of kissing, crying, and romance! Chris is a cutie, sincere, and gentleman-like, but he's no pushover - he has a bit of an edge that will come out if pushed too far. Can't wait to see how he wrangles this crew. I hope we cut the group down a lot more next week. Still too many women to choose from.

See you next week!

This little piggy thinks he can't remember all those names either!

ABC's The Bachelor Season 19 with Chris Soules!

I know we're all eagerly anticipating the premiere of The Bachelor Season 19 starring eligible farmer, Chris Soules. Premiere is on Monday, January 5 at 8 PM (EST). Bookmark this page to get your recaps!

I'm really excited to recap this season. There has been so much hype about Chris. Will he remain "Prince Farming" or will he have an epic fall from grace à la Juan Pablo? Will he be as nice now that HE is in charge of the process? Will we still love his family? So many questions!

If you can't wait until Monday, here's an interview with Chris (click here)

Things I learned from this video:
1) Chris says it's "not an option" to move from Iowa permanently
2) He was stressed about the taping being during the harvest
3) It took Chris until Week 3 to learn all the women's names
4) Chris considers himself to be a "shy guy"
5) He was close with Dylan, coach Brian, and Marcus from Andi's season, and
6) He's a crier on the current season.

Contestant Preview in Broad Strokes

The contestants seem to be the usual crop of teeth-whitened, thin, sparkly-dressed women in very high heels. Looking at ABC's website, the Bachelor covers its usual ground in the following categories:

Contestant Names: We've got the requisite minimum number of two Ashleys. There are also original name spellings, such as Juelia and Reegan. And at least one name I've never heard of before - anyone else know a "Tandra"?

Occupations: On almost every season we see a bartender, nanny, flight attendant, hair stylist, grade-school teacher, and waitress. This season is no exception. All these professions are often pretty intense in terms of work hours, but they keep coming up each season. Are these the kinds of jobs where you can easily get a leave or quit and get rehired? Readers who have these professions: what do you think?

There are also some dubious professions, including a "WWE diva-in-training" and "sport fishing enthusiast." Hmmm, I thought these were just imaginary job titles you give to your Barbies.

Age: Everyone is Chris's age (33) or younger, ranging from 21 to 33 (many are 24 to 28). Out of 30 women, only 3 are in their thirties! The message: Men should date women about 5 to 10 years younger than them. We don't want any ticking biological clocks on this show! And it's VERY important that the women pass the bikini test. This is what we sign on for by watching, but it's okay if you also find this to be somewhat sexist and depressing.

Diversity: This season gets below average points for diversity. The majority are blondes, and I can only identify one woman of colour in the line-up, although I am not sure about everyone's race or nationality. Religion doesn't get talked about much on this show. Both Andi and Josh are half-Jewish, for example, but this was never mentioned on the show.

There is more diversity in this tray of pastries, than there is on this show

The producers allowed a plus-size model this year. Unheard of on The Bachelor! I guess it's okay to be more than a size 0 if you are a MODEL. If you weigh more than 115 pounds and you are NOT a model - automatic disqualification. To be fair, we don't know why the diversity on Season 19 remains so terrible. It could be a lack of diversity in contestants, the fault of the producers, and/or Chris's preference (although it's a Bachelor pattern so it's hard to blame Chris).

There Will Be Drama

In an interview on People.com (see it here), We hear that hair stylist Ashely S. (24, from Brooklyn) is the most talked about and creates DRAMA. Her ABC bio says she can't live without lip gloss and sunshine and her favourite fictional character is Thumbelina. Perhaps something a 10-year old would write but it seems innocuous enough. The previews show lots of crying ahead!

I went through the bios on ABC.com, and it's pretty boring. Don't bother. Instead, I suggest you watch this video (click here) from Jimmy Kimmel where he goes through the contestants and we have to guess whether their biggest date fear is: a) silence or b) diarrhea.

That's all for now, Bachelor Nation! I hope you enjoy the first episode and check back for the recap on Tuesday January 6th!