Bachelor in Paradise: Weeks 3 and 4

Here are my thoughts from Weeks 3 and 4. Sorry so late, but devoting more than 4 hours to this franchise per week feels excessive!

Part of the delay is related to my AMAZING discovery: An awesome podcast about the Bachelor franchise called "Here to Make Friends." Click here for the iTunes link. Here's the description:

A HuffPost Podcast about The Bachelor, where hosts Emma Gray and Claire Fallon lovingly snark and recap the latest episodes from The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. Whether you love The Bachelor, or love to hate it, you will enjoy their witty discussion about this reality show and what it reveals about the world of dating. 

In case you prefer the blog format as written by some crazy Canadian, here are some thoughts about the couples from the past 2 weeks:

Clare and her raccoon: Paradise had nothing for Clare. Raccoon was a better catch than some (most) of these guys. Hoping for Clare to find a civilian husband because this show insists that she talks to animals. The joke is tired and Clare must be, too. Good luck, Clare!

Kirk and Carly: Carly's more into this relationship than Kirk. He's right, the pace of the relationship is ridonculous. The whole show is taped in 3 weeks. Did you know that? We're probably only at 10-14 days by this point.  I predict a short-term relationship that ends after the show.

JJ, Megan, and the girl that JJ left behind: Remember when Amy Schumer said that JJ was a "turd" who lacked charisma, humility, and a sense of humour? Turns out JJ's funny and pretty charismatic. Not so much humility, but he admits to living in mom's basement. I found out via Twitter that JJ did not end up with the woman for whom he left the show. Megan and JJ were the weirdest match ever, at least she has a souvenir sombrero.

Dan/Ashley S./Amber: So, here's the thing about Dan. The women like him more than he likes them. And his chest hair is looking funny as it grows back. Ashley S. is awesome. Ya, she's kooky when she drinks, but she's the most rational one around. I agree with everything she says, and it makes perfect sense to befriend crabs and birds in that environment. Can't trust the humans. I'm glad she got JJ's rose! Amber and Dan aren't going to last. Did you catch him talk about wanting to date Samantha?!?

Ashley S. and Nick: Doooomed relationship. Nick sometimes looks okay, sometimes looks like a smarmy Steve Buscemi.

Eyelashley and Jared: Jared's morose and has no interest in Eyelashley. He is bad at being direct, but Eyelashley seems to need the clear: "I don't like you" memo. Is she really going to try to entice Jared into a fantasy suite date? She has so much to offer, but seems to put men on this weird pedestal once she's interested in them. Eyelashley, they are guys not gods, curb your enthusiasm please.

Juelia and Mikey: Hahaha this relationship is as fake as Mexican wrestling exhibitions. Remember how Juelia recoiled when Mikey tried to kiss her in Week 2? Terrible couple.

Joe and Samantha: Their reality show lies are probably making their real lives hell. Piling on more of the same isn't really necessary at this point. Joe lied. Do you remember when Lily Taylor sang the Joe Lies song in Say Anything in the 1980s? Well, I do. Here's a clip (click here). Getting back to present times, these two really messed up on this show...because it's televised and they spoke out loud and their thoughts are mean. I don't really care about the "Who is worse" debate. Joe manipulated Juelia and says all sorts of sexist things, including calling Samantha a buck to put on his wall. Samantha denies everything when it's clear she's lying, but men still want to date her (Dan, sweaty Justin, Nick Buscemi). She looks like an evil queen from the Disney franchise.

Tenley and Joshua: I can't get over Joshua's molly in a coconut comments. Tenley seems nice. Why is she obsessed with his hand size? Not going to last.

Michael G. and his law degree: He was a good catch, but objective data such as: "nice and kind with good career" don't seem to matter. Arrival limo to reject limo in 5 minutes.

Jade and Tanner: The most likely to be exchanging vows on next year's show. They stand a chance!

Four more hours of Paradise this week, oh the humanity!

Bachelor in Paradise Week 2: Monday Night and After Paradise

Here are the top moments for Monday night's episode. This week, After Paradise was a stale tortilla. But we'll get to that later. First, to the resort! Here's your top 10:

1) Clare and Jared's tandem bungee jump was more terrifying than a solo jump. The only thing worse than bungee jumping is bungee jumping while tied to someone who is screaming in your ear. 

2) Michael G. arrives. Why does he have a G. if there is no other Michael? He's a corporate lawyer from Desiree's season. He calls Tenley an Elevenly. He was waiting months to use that line.

3) Tenley and Michael G. eat the plastic Bachelor dinner with wet feet surrounded by a huge band that's playing the same song that Kaitlyn sang to her suitors. Eating is better with dry feet in a non-claustrophobic mariachi situation.

4) Kentucky Joe: There are cameras everywhere and you just fried your rep, dude. But don't get mad at Joe for faking it with Juelia. Don't even get mad that he manipulated his "friend" Jonathan. Stay calm when Joe shares his deranged, violent thoughts. The world will get even with Joe. Waiters will be spitting in his soup for the next decade. OMG, Joe can't trust the food for the REST OF HIS LIFE.

5) Ashely S. sees all. Crystal onion ball.

"I see relationships that don't last!"

6) When a guy makes a big deal of your 8-year age difference (Clare and Jared), yup, it's over. 

7) Women, stop crying, you are all staying this week. What do they put in those drinks?

8) Rose ceremony grandstanding by Clare rubbed Jade the wrong way. Clare should just refuse to hand out a rose. As for Jade, I heard the cast is paid per episode. Nope, they're not only there for love.

9) If Kentucky Joe was so into this Samantha character, why didn't he get in touch during the off-season. You do not need to wait for Chris Harrison to introduce you personally to people you like. 

10) ROSES: Carly stays with Kirk. Jade is with Tanner. Ashley I. is with Dan. Elevenly chooses Joshua. Another rose ceremony cliffhanger. My predictions: Ashley I. chooses Jared, Juelia chooses Joe, Clare chooses Michael (or no one), and Mikey, Jonathan and JJ go home. 

After Paradise

Don't even bother watching After Paradise. I had to eat a whole bag of gummy bears to tolerate the idiocy. Chris Harrison is not in his zone. The show is too forced and not funny enough. I felt like I was stuck in molasses while ants were attacking me. In one, very sloooow hour of television these questions were answered:

Q: Do we hate Joe now?
A: Yes

Q: How much clothes can the cast bring?
A: Two suitcases each plus whatever they can make out of coconuts at the resort.

Q: Who's Samatha?
A: No clue but the footage of her kissing with Joe in the pool made me regurgitate gummy bears.

Q: Is 31 old?
A: Downright ancient. But only if you're female.

Q: Is Jonathan redeemed?
A: Yes, crying redeems you.

Q: Is it appropriate to conduct an audience poll about whether someone (Ashley S.) is crazy...while she's sitting right there.
A: As per Jenny Mollen (co-host) yes. And you can even tell the person to their face that you think they are crazy.

What's funny is that Chris Harrison and Jenny Mollen are just making themselves look bad. Ashley's straight man routine made them seem like the weird ones. Go Ashley S.!

Ya, me and the gummy bears will tune in next week.

 

Your Top 10 for Bachelor in Paradise Week 2 (Sunday Night)

Tonight was all about jockeying for roses. Your top ten for this week:

1. If you leave paradise, no one will help you with your suitcase. Adios, Lauren.

2. The fashion choices: Mikey's little ponytail, the American flag swimwear (Joe and Joshua), and for the win, Juelia's wacky headband. You seem really nice, Juelia, but maybe that was a necklace?

3. JJ's one liners killed it. If only he had brought that game at the comedy club with Amy Schumer! I especially enjoyed when he compared Joshua to a lazy carp. The best was: "A blind squirrel finds a nut every now and again." I feel that should be a Yiddish expression.

4. Bad first impression ideas from...
Josh: Talk about drinking illegally spiked coconuts and waking up in Vegas without your wallet.
Joe: Sit silently. Avoid eye contact. Ask someone out and when they try to confirm that you did it, say,"But did I?"

5. Fun facts: The cast gets blood tests prior to the show.  The men's necklaces double as microphones. The ocean possibly makes a cleaner bathroom than the actual washrooms at the resort (Ashely I.'s actions suggest this one). Joe doesn't speak spanish (mañana, NOT manata). Tenley was a princess in Tokyo's Disneyland. And, sorry Josh, Tokyo is NOT in China. 

6. The resort doubles as a Mexican zoo. The crabs! The birds! But, what did they put in the wine bottle to make Clare's raccoon paw at it like that?

7. Joe needs to pay more attention to the hidden cameras. Didn't he see Ashlee's fiasco last year? Saying Juelia is "not that smart" on national TV, ouch.

8. Juelia is waaaay too trusting for this show! I suggest eHarmony.

9. Clare didn't let Mikey kiss her and said she wanted to explore options. Ya, Mikey is not the best at reading the subtle cues.

10. Ashley is mad that Jared asked out Clare. She thinks Clare is old with dead eggs. Don't know if she's got dead eggs, but she's got your boyfriend. 

P.S., I found out via Twitter that Tenley enjoyed her kiss with JJ - soft lips, apparently. It was nice for JJ and Tenley to answer my Twitter questions! Visit me there if you are  inclined:
https://twitter.com/Bachcaps (@Bachcaps). Love him or hate him, JJ has a good sense of humour about himself.

This one's for Lauren I.!

See you tomorrow night!

Bachelor in Paradise - Week 1: Epsiode 2 & After Paradise

The guilty pleasures continue! Here are 10 thoughts about Episode 2 (Rose ceremony!) and After Paradise.

1. Tantric yoga (Clare and Mikey) is a really awful first date. The smells, the sweat. I'm gagging.

2. Ashley S. has a boooyfriend! That Dan guy seems pretty normal and cute. We still don't know why Ashley S. went to the ER. Dehydration? Parrot pecking injury? Glad they are showing more sides of her this season. She's an onion, people!

3. Jared looks like his dog just died. He just broke up with Kaitlyn and needs to be home eating ice cream from the container. Instead, he's dealing with a bunch of frantic, insecure drunk people. Not helping!

4. Tenley only kissed JJ to stay on the show. He's not complaining, but that was gross to watch.

5. Kardashley is on Jared-watch. I want to tell her: You are FINE! You just need to stop worrying what guys think of you. No guys are perfect. Look for their flaws, be skeptical. Let them win you over, rather than becoming obsessed with what they think of you. You can't "solidify" a relationship with effort, the best ones are mutual and gradual.

6. An oldie = Tenley at 31 years old? Farmer Chris was 33! He had a 21-year old on his season (Mackenzie mother of Kale). Juan Pablo was also in his 30s and had a 21-year old (Cassandra). No one called those guys old. 

7. Kardashley's sister has perfected bored-face. Girl wants to go home.

8. After Paradise is a combination of a) boring, b) super-awkward and c) cringe-worthy. It's really bad, but I can't look away! Like a soggy burrito, I keep eating but don't know why. I'll just need another activity while watching, maybe nail polish application.

9. The blonde Bachelor tweeter/blogger (Jenny Mollen) on After Paradise was incredibly rude. Maybe she doesn't realize that mean tweets make for awkward conversations. It is not okay to ask newly married, non-pregnant Lacy if she'll breastfeed as a means of commenting on her breast size. I thought that mean comments to contestants was considered bullying - but now the show has its very own bully-host!

10. Mikey's an alpha male who will jack you up and can't read the Clare cues. That said, they were so mean to him on After Paradise. Mikey looked like he was about to cry when the tweeters voted that they'd rather be in the Mexican ER than do yoga with him. Hulk sad :(((

As a final note, having a Bachelor/ette of colour is a great idea, as proposed on After Paradise. Just it can't be Jonathan. The cookie-monster from Andi's season (Marquel) would have been great.

That's all for this week! See you for the next episode.

This cat hates mean tweets

Bachelor in Paradise - Episode 1

Here are my thoughts about tonight's episode:

1. This show is still about putting monkeys in cage to see if they'll mate.

2. Eyelashley's laughcry persisting, sister's presence not helping. She calls herself Kardashley, but she'll always be Eyelashley to me.

3. Who is Kirk? I know! He's the guy who regrets "settling down" three episodes from now. Train wreck, I see you coming.

4. Was worried the parrots were going to eat the caterpillars off of Carly's face. Oh wait, those are eyebrows.

5. Don't wear foundation to the beach.

6. Tanner is the IT guy who's sarcastic while they fix your computer. "Hehe, you need an anti-virus update, it'll take awhile, hehe." Was that mean? He seems nice, maybe that was mean.

7. Hey, I thought Jared was supposed to shave for this show. Sparse as ever. But dude is popular. Ladies like the sparse.

8. Sucks to get married while Jillian sits there with a black box. Box joke played out.

9. Men like wild mustang. Wild mustang needs sunscreen.

10. I'm with Ashley-Onion - parrots are the most intriguing life forms on the resort.

The show's a great escape so far. I'm glad there's more to come!

"Dis show is silly but I looove it!"